My Last Minute Conversation with a Suicide Victim
“Suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem”. But I can never contemplate the mindset of an “extremely depressed person” who is perhaps nurturing the thought of committing suicide, any time soon. Cause for them, there is no hope of turning back into a Normal Life. Therefore, what seemed like a normal conversation in the morning is actually the last time we would speak or hear of each other. Who knows?
Back in My University days; I was engaged with a lot of projects and assignments. My friends were extremely scarce and I had no time for myself at all. Of course, staying away from my parents was not a good idea but I had to deal with whatever I had to. Therefore the only Professor I shared my opinions and problems with was G.P Maam. She was a woman of liberal and modern taste and was an extremely sharp person.
I, being an Introvert am not understood by a lot of people. As they say, “nobody tried to step into my shoe or tried to understand my thoughts”. But anyways, G.P Maam was not the same, I was surprised that I got along with her extremely well since the first day of Orientation. She had a lot to specify, and I had a lot to engulf via education.
Her Modern perspective, (in a patriarchal country like India), bewitched me tremendously. Once, I remember, that we were discussing the concept of a Live-In relationship after reading the perspective of Thoams Hardy in his popular novel “ Jude: The Obscure ”. I was against it as I knew that the pre-marital relationship does not really work in India. Instead, she explained that society changes perspectives the same way I change my clothes. Therefore do I have to wear the same cloth or change every day, it is for me to decide! That left me mum and if any of you ever read about the life of Jude Fawley who never gave up on love even after losing his 3 children, will bring tears to your eyes.
Well, going back to the last day when I spoke to her was one sad Friday Afternoon. Most of the students had left early and me being a hosteller, I thought of sticking in my classroom. G.M Maam’ and me; we were the only one’s living through the cold silence of the classroom. We were speaking, about a lot of things, mostly philosophical! It was about “ Understanding a person completely”. A lot of questions toppled my mind and I was being negative thoroughly. I said “ I can’t even figure out myself, how can I figure out a whole new person? I have seen a lot of people changing drastically of whom I have known forever in my Life.
She seemed to be listening to me without uttering a word. She wasn’t cross-questioning me like she normally used to. That was odd now that I think of it, but back then it was just another day. I feel something came over me in that class and I kept on saying by presenting vulnerable examples related to my personal life and the lives of some popular people. Literature makes us romantic but it also helps us to understand the brutal realities surrounded by the bubble of romanticism. Anyways, she agreed to almost everything that I said and the class ended with “ I think You are right ”.
Later, She called for me to borrow a book called “ Middlemarch” which I handed over to her a little before the evening. That was the last time I saw her and she thanked me for the book and for the class. I was very elated, cause being complemented by a professor is my privilege.
That very evening I got the news from a classmate of mine about G.P Maam’s suicide which was more apparent to me. The news itself was so spine chilling that, I couldn’t bear to believe it. I mean I saw her borrowing my books for the next classes, and the next while you know, she just killed herself!! The thing is I knew nothing about her personal life, but whatever was discovered of her personal life was through her bold opinions during our classes. She had recently been divorced and was childless, she wanted to start a new life with her live-in relationship partner. I also remembered, not so long back she was having a miserable conversation with someone, which I managed to overhear. I think it was the same guy.
But what circulated in my mind is the last conversation I had with her back in my classroom. Where I was speaking my mind about a lot of things which might have been indirectly matching her situation and I am more than sure that she must have thought about all that I said before taking her life. This made me extremely disturbed for a very long time and it took me a whole year to recover from that disturbing thoughts.
Later, via newspaper, we got to know that her relationship was at a critical stage and her boyfriend was not really responding to her properly. A lot of disgusting things were published as well. A lot of scandalous things came up and people started making stories out of stories instead of simply paying respect to the departed soul. It still haunts me to this day, about all that had happened and I sometimes wonder about my book as to why did she take it? Was it all preplanned, or was it a decision taken in the heat of the moment? Or was it my words that affected her already disturbed thoughts? Perhaps I will never get over it.
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